TWENTY EXTY SIX!!!

Teacher and Student: a Hellsing/Twilight Crossover Farce.

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:06:39 GMT

Introduction: The Meeting.

“Why have you come here, freak?” demanded the shadowy figure in the red trench coat and wide brimmed hat.

“My agent sent me,” replied the pale teenaged boy, as he sparkled in the moonlight. “Although I have plenty of rabid teenage fangirls, apparently their boyfriends are refusing to take them to see my movies.”

“I see. And what, pray tell, do you want from me?”

“Well, Mr. Alucard, sir, my agent tells me I need to expand my fanbase to appeal to other demographics. They say I can do that if you can teach me how to be a true nosferatu, a real vampire.”

“Really? Teach you to be one of the true undead?”

“Can you do it?”

“I’m not sure. Back in my day, real vampires drank blood and didn’t freaking sparkle!”

“Blood? Eeewwwww, gross!”

Alucard’s eyes flared red behind his yellow-tinted glasses, glaring in rage at the young lad. “Still,” he said, as he calmed himself, “I can see you’re going to need all the help you can get.”

“So you’ll do it?”

Alucard gritted his teeth in anger. Calming himself once more, he replied, “It won’t be easy, that’s for sure. It’ll be a real challenge, no doubt.”

“Don’t worry, sir! I’m ready for anything!”

“I wasn’t talking about you! I meant it will be a real challenge for me! But yes, I’ll do it. If for no other reason than to keep you from tarnishing the reputation of us real vampires any worse than you already are!”

And thus, Alucard, the nigh invincible monster in the employ of the Hellsing Organization, agreed to teach Edward the Sparklepire how to be less of a wuss and more of a real vampire.

Lesson One.

“First of all,” said Alucard, “That sparkly stuff has to go! A real vampire is a creature of shadow and darkness. We do not sparkle!”

“Shadow and darkness,” responded Edward, writing the words in his handy dandy notepad. “Got it!”

“Now, I’m going to teach you the true nature of the undead. Observe!”

As he said these words, Alucard’s body became dark and shadowy, like a patch of blackest midnight. Suddenly, glowing red eyeballs began to appear all over his body.

“Wow, Mr. Alucard! That sure is creepy!”

“Now, you try.”

“Yes sir!” Edward shouted, then suddenly began to unbutton his shirt.

“Edward, what are you doing?”

“Taking off my shirt.”

“I can see that. Any particular reason?”

“Isn’t that how vampires are always supposed to do things?”

“Um, noooo….”

“There!” he exclaimed, casting his shirt to the side. “Now I’m ready!”

“You can do this with your shirt still on, you know!”

Edward held aloft his clenched fists, his face intensified with his concentration. His body became even more sparkly, making Alucard grateful he still wore his trademark sunglasses.

“I can feel it working!” shouted Edward, as the sparkles increased. Suddenly, here and there, tiny openings appeared in his flesh. Soon his body was covered in them: tiny yellow happy smiley face emoticons.

“How’s this, sir?” he asked his new mentor.

“Oh, boy!” remarked Alucard, planting his gloved palm firmly on his forehead.

Lesson Two.

“Listen close, Edward! Today, I’m going to teach you an important lesson. You see, drinking blood is not the only way we vampires can feast on the life of our victims.”

“Drinking blood? That’s disgusting!”

“What? You don’t drink blood? You’re worse than that accursed police girl!”

“No sir! Not a drop! I’m a vegetarian!”

Rage glowed brightly from Alucard’s eyes, as he gritted his teeth and replied, “A vegetarian vampire? You have got to be kidding!”

“That’s right, sir! A vegetarian!”

“VAMPIRES AREN’T VEGETARIANS! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO DRINK HUMAN BLOOD!”

“Oh!” replied Edward, his voice dripping with disdain, “You’re one of THOSE vampires!”

“THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE TEXTBOOK DEFINITION, YOU LITTLE TWERP!” Alucard slowed his breathing and regained his calm. “As I was saying, a true vampire can also transform his body into a demonic animal to feast of his victim’s soul as well. Observe!”

Alucard held his right arm in front of him. It became engulfed in darkest shadow, and the glowing red eyes began to appear, as the shadow began to take form and shape itself into the massive head of a demonic canine, its eyes burning with hunger, and its fangs slavering as it growled and snarled, eager to devour. Alucard had summoned his dark familiar, Baskerville the hellhound.

“Wow! That’s pretty scary, Mr. Alucard!”

“Now you try!”

“Yes, sir!” Edward replied, as he began to unbutton his shirt.

“Edward, you don’t have to take off your shirt, you know!”

“Doing something vampirish with my shirt on? That’s just plain silly!”

As soon as he got his shirt off – AGAIN! – Edward held his right hand in front of him and concentrated. Once again, the sparkles began to twinkle and shine, as his arm began to shift its form and take a new shape, that of an angry, slavering yappy little wiener dog. “YAP! YAP! YAP! ARF! YAP!”

Alucard was at a loss yet again. Bowing his head in shame, he buried his face into his left palm. Suddenly, the demon wolf that was his right arm glared at the sparkly wiener dog, growled, and suddenly sprang forward, barking and snarling furiously. The sparkly wiener dog that was Edward’s right arm suddenly darted off, yapping and whining in terror, dragging Edward under a nearby table. "HELP! MR. ALUCARD! CALL HIM OFF! HEEL, BOY! HEEL! MR. ALUCARD! HEEEELLLLP!!"

“You know, I should probably let Baskerville have him,” mused Alucard, “but if I did, his studio lawyers will never let me hear the end of it.”

(More "lessons" as I can think of them).

Your King Comes to You.

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:14:57 GMT

Text: Jeremiah 33:14-16

Title: Your King Comes to You.

Jeremiah lived during a time of great turmoil in Israel. The people had turned their back on God, breaking His Law, worshipping false gods, and treating the poor and weak with contempt, cruelty, and oppression.

Because the people had rejected the Lord, He had decreed He would now turn His back on them. “I have hidden my face from this city on account of all their evil” (v. 5). To punish them for their wickedness, He sent Babylon to conquer them. The holy city would be destroyed, its stones crushed beneath their enemies feet, the Temple looted of its treasures and burned to the ground, the royal family carted off as prisoners, the people slaughtered like wild animals, and the survivors hauled off in chains as slaves in a foreign land.

At this time, the Lord sent His prophet to deliver His Word to the people, pronouncing His righteous judgment in the coming disaster, to call the people to repent of their sins in the midst of this tragedy, and to comfort the faithful with His promise of redemption. Although the Lord had turned His back on His people, He had not completely abandoned them, but in the fullness of time, He would restore them. But in the meantime, they were to suffer the consequences of their sins.

And what were these consequences? Jeremiah tells us earlier in the chapter: war is coming. People would watch in horror as their homes are destroyed, leaving them homeless and destitute, starving in the streets. The bodies of the dead would be piled high in the streets. And worst of all, the people would know with absolute certainty that it was their own fault. They had no one to blame but themselves. They had turned their back on their God, and in turn, He had turned His back on them.

This is what happens when people turn their back on the Lord: they place themselves outside of His mercy and protection. They invite the curse of His wrath down upon their own heads.

But this curse wasn’t leveled only at those Israelites in Jerusalem during Jeremiah’s day, but against all mankind, on account of our own disobedience and rebellion against God, our own idolatry and rejection of His true teachings, our own selfish actions that hurt and harm our neighbors, our own greed and lust.

On account of these, we now see enemies at work trampling our lives. Just as those Israelites were hauled off as slaves into Babylon, so we too find ourselves in chains of bondage to sin. We find ourselves laboring under the terrible taskmaster of our own sinful flesh, ordered hither and thither by our unholy desires, and powerless to overcome them on our own.

Just as the Israelites saw their homes destroyed and their city devastated, so too do wee see the destruction of evils we face in this life, the hardships and sorrows we face. Homes are torn apart by conflict and strife. Friends betray friends. Abuse and cruelty run rampant, man’s inhumanity to man. And society seems ever on the verge of collapse with all of its immorality and debauchery.

And everywhere we turn, death awaits us, like a predator seeking to rend our flesh with its claws. Just as the Israelites were ripped and torn by the weapons of their conquerors, so too death seeks to conquer and tear us as well, whether through the loss of those whom we love deeply and are taken from us, or by our bodies breaking down and not working right as they get older, or by devastating diseases like cancer that eat us from the inside. Just as those Israelites didn’t escape from the swords of the Babylonians, none of us will escape our enemy death; it will conquer us all.

And the worst part, we come into this world already alienated and separated from our God, enemies of His will and objects of His wrath. On account of our own sins, we deserve nothing but God’s present and eternal punishment. We have no one to blame but ourselves.

But we are not without hope. The Lord had turned His face away from Jerusalem, but He had not completely abandoned His people. “Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will fulfill the promise I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah” (v. 14).

And what promise was this? In ancient days, the Lord had promised that a descendent of David would always be seated upon the throne of Jerusalem. But now, Jerusalem had no throne. And the royal family were prisoners in Babylon. There was no king anymore. But the Lord here is promising that a time is coming when this will change. “In those days, and at that time, I will cause a Righteous Branch to spring up for David” (v. 15). The Lord is going to restore the monarchy. A great king will arise who will be like David, only greater in righteousness. He will be wise like Solomon, but much greater in wisdom. A King who will govern and reign for eternity, whose rule will outlast all human governments.

The Lord has indeed sent us such a King, none other than our Lord Jesus Christ. This King came to us as a weak, helpless baby at Bethlehem. He came to His holy city of Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, amidst the shouts of “Hosanna to the Son of David!” He came to us as a sacrificial Lamb on Good Friday, when the King of Glory was crucified on Calvary for our sins.

And as this King came to us once long ago, He still comes to us today. He comes through the reading of Holy Scripture and the preaching of His Gospel. He comes to us through Holy Baptism, joining us to His cross that we might share in His eternal life. He comes to us through the Holy Supper, feeding us His own Body and Blood to strengthen and preserve us in faith.

And this King has promised that He will return to us again on the Last Day. He will come on the clouds of heaven to raise us from the dead and give us eternal life in His everlasting kingdom.

“And He shall execute justice and righteousness in the land” (v. 15). On that day, perfect justice and peace will be firmly established on the earth, as no human government can administer them. The wicked shall be judged and condemned, and the faithful shall be vindicated and restored. It will be the world’s only perfect government.

“In those days, Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell securely” (v. 16). Perfect peace will be inaugurated. No longer will we live in fear, oppressed by our enemies. Sin will no longer have any power over us. The devil will be carted off in chains to spend eternity in prison where he belongs, and even death, that terrible conqueror, will be stripped of its weapons and left powerless.

I am reminded of the ancient legends of King Arthur, how supposedly when he returns to Great Britain, he will institute a golden age of peace. Or of that movie, Return of the King, where Aragorn, after defeating all the enemies of his people, returns in triumph to his royal city, where he inaugurates an age of justice and peace. Only this will be far greater, for our King is no mere legend or fable, but a real King who will govern us with truth, wisdom, justice, mercy, and peace forever.

This is what Advent is all about: the Lord God has indeed sent us a King. A King who came to us as a baby at Bethlehem, a King who continues to come to us through His Word and Sacraments, and a King who has promised to come again.

Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion! Shout aloud, O daughter of Jerusalem! Your King has come to you, righteous and having salvation! (Zechariah 9:9). Celebrate with joy the Advent of our King!

The Son of Man Reigns Forever!

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:29:00 GMT

Text: Daniel 7:9-14

Title: The Son of Man Reigns Forever.

With all the problems our nation faces today – a growing economic crisis which has left many people out of work and caused many companies to go out of business, increased threat from terrorism, public policies that are destroying our nation’s moral center and, most importantly, our culture’s open hostility to the Gospel of our Lord – many people have come to think that our nation will not survive much longer the way it is.

Alexander Solzhenitzyn, the famous Russian author and staunch critic of Communism’s oppressive policies, once spoke at a prestigious American university that he planned to return to Russia soon. According to Solzhenitzyn, he had escaped Russia before the collapse of Communism, but now he desired to escape the U.S. before its immanent moral collapse.

Many of you might remember the days when we were taught to love this country. You might also remember we were taught good morals as well. And don’t get me wrong, I am most certainly thankful for those who have fought to preserve this land for us. I have done so myself. However, in recent years, I have become something of a cynic: I simply do not believe our nation will survive indefinitely. We have become too much like the late Roman Empire. After it had degenerated into wanton debauchery and narcissism, it collapsed and fell; and the same thing is going to happen to our nation as well.

The Prophet Daniel lived at a time when such great empires rose and fell. His own nation, Israel, had been conquered by the Babylonian Empire as punishment from God for their sins, and Daniel and his companions were taken as slaves. During his lifetime, Babylon was in turn conquered by Persia. And in the near future, Persia would be conquered by the Greeks under Alexander the Great. And in its time, the Greeks would be conquered by Rome. Daniel foresaw all of this, by the way; earlier in the chapter, he spoke of these great beasts that would rise and fall, each of them representing a great empire of the ancient world. But in the end, as he says in our reading, “As for the rest of the beasts, their dominion was taken away, but their lives were prolonged for a season and a time” (v. 12).

All of these human kingdoms would be stripped of their power and authority. Such is the story of history: nations rise and fall; kingdoms conquer other kingdoms, and are themselves conquered. No human authority will last forever.

We might like to think we’re better than those ancient empires. We have democracy. Do you know what democracy is? It’s basically a kingdom with half a billion kings, each of them just as susceptible to corruption and evil as any monarch. What about our technology? Will that save us? No. It will just speed the process up, like pressing the accelerator on a car headed for a cliff. We stand poised on the edge, and sooner or later, our nation will fall into the abyss.

But in the midst of the rise and fall of all these mighty nations, Daniel sees the throne of the Ancient of Days, the eternal God, who was, is, and is to be: “As I looked thrones were placed, and the Ancient of Days took his seat” (v. 9). He who had no beginning and will have no end is still seated on His throne. Human nations may rise and fall, but His kingdom is everlasting, His reign eternal.

“His clothing was white as snow, and the hair of his head like pure wool” (v. 9). The Lord Almighty is dressed in robes of the purest white, representing His perfect divine goodness and righteousness. No human king, no president, no chief justice is nearly as qualified as He to judge all mankind. Indeed He Himself is the standard by which all are to be judged. Some think to themselves, “I’m no Adolph Hitler or Charles Manson, so I’m good enough. Never mind that I cheat on my taxes and my wife. At least I’m not a rapist or murderer.” Do not fool yourself, O man! The God who judges you demands absolute perfection; before Him, there is no “good enough.”

But as Daniel watched as the books were opened, and the sins of all were laid bare for all to see, there came another figure: “I saw in the night visions, and behold, with the clouds of heaven there came one like a son of man, and he came to the Ancient of Days and was presented before him” (v. 13).

But what is this Son of Man? In Scripture, the term “son of man” usually indicated our limited, weak, mortal human nature. God used this term with Ezekiel to highlight the prophet’s mortality and the suffering he would endure in his service to God’s people. This name was also Jesus’ favorite appellation for Himself, using it to emphasize His own human nature, His own mortality, His own weakness and suffering.

And Jesus quoted this very same passage before the Sanhedrin, as they judged Him guilty of blasphemy. In doing so, He was warning them that, although they would condemn Him at that time, in a cosmic turn of events, in the end it would be He who passed judgment on them.

This Son of Man was condemned by the Sanhedrin and sentenced to death. At Calvary, He was presented before His Father in heaven, and found guilty. Was it for crimes He committed that He was condemned? No, it was for crimes that you and I had committed that He was sentenced to suffer and die. On that cross, the Son of Man was judged guilty, in order that, on the Last Day, you and I might be found innocent, not guilty of all charges.

As St. Paul writes in Philippians, “Although He existed in the form of God, He emptied Himself and took the form of a servant. And being found in the likeness of mortal man, He became obedient to death, even death on a cross.” The Son of Man took upon Himself our weak, mortal nature; He bore our guilt. “Therefore God raised Him from the dead and gave Him the name above every name, so that at the name of Jesus, every knee shall bow, in heaven, on earth, and even under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of the Father.”

“And to him was given dominion and glory and a kingdom” (v. 14). To this crucified and risen Son of Man, all power and authority have been given, and a kingdom that shall have no end. “His dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed.”

And we, who have been baptized into His name, are His kingdom, “That all peoples, nations, and languages should serve him” (v. 14). Through His cross, He has made us a chosen people, a royal priesthood, and a holy nation. We are a kingdom that is not restricted by human politics, that knows no geographical boundaries, that is not limited by ethnicity or language, but transcends all of them. We are an eternal kingdom under our eternal King,

Human nations will rise and fall; all earthly governments will ultimately fail, even our own beloved United States. But you and I are subjects of an eternal kingdom, one that will last forever.

Today, let us give thanks to our Eternal King, our Lord Jesus Christ, who reigns forever.

XBox

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:34:37 GMT

My mom bought me an XBox 360 for an early Christmas present. So far, I'm really enjoying it.

For those who don't know, this is the first videro game console I've owned since the Atari 2600. The green-screened Game Boy doesn't count (that was the last portable I owned). So having an actual game console is a fresh experience for me.

So far, I've played a couple of decent games on it. This particular console came prepackaged with Lego Batman. It's a pretty fun game. You run around as Batman with Robin, beat up bad guys, and destroy stuff while trying to hunt down the big baddies from the old Batman rogues' gallery. It can be quite frustrating at times - some of the jumps are hard to make if you don't aim and time them just right, and some of the baddies (Mr. Freeze in particular) are masterful at making cheap shots. But you do get to unlock characters, suits, weapons, and vehicles with which to replay the levels, making them even more fun and interesting. It's not exactly the kind of game I'd have bought for myself, but I've enjoyed playing it none the less.

It also came with a racing game called Pure that I haven't tried out yet. It's pretty highly rated, though, so I'll eventually get around to it.

Speaking of Batman, I also played the demo to Arkham Asylum. That game is freaking awexxxome! The Joker has taken control of Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, and you're trapped inside with him. You must infiltrate the facility, using stealth, detective, and fighting skills to locate the Joker and put a stop to whatever he has planned. I had a bit of trouble with the controls at first, but once I figured out which buttons did what, I got the hang of it. The inmates are armed and dangerous, and if they shoot you, you take massive damage. The way to beat them is stealth and timing. Anyway, the gameplay is as intense as it is different. It's not like any other Batman game I've ever seen, and this one seems to really put you into the Dark Knight's cowl and cape. To survive, you have to be Batman. I also like how they got Kevin Conroy, Mark Hamill, and Arleen Sorkin to do voices - to me, these are the definitive voices for their characters. Music is great, production level high. Overall, looks to be an excellent gaming experience.

One of the first games I bought for it was BioShock. I saw it on sale at Stuff-Mart and snagged it. As far as FPS's go, it's got a relatively unique perspective. It has a distinct steam punk aesthetic. And the gameplay is really challenging. It's almost more of a survival game than a straight up FPS; ammo and power-ups are fairly limited, so you'll be constantly hunting for them as you play. You can also use certain chemicals to give yourself mutations - such as the ability to throw lightning bolts or fire balls. I haven't really played it much lately, but it's pretty intense as well.

I also got an RPG called Blue Burninator. It's definitely influenced by early Final Fantasy games, but the artwork and dialog lean heavily toward a much younger target audience. The character designs are chibi style. Also, character class functions much the same way as the job system from Final Fantasy V: you have various classes to equip your character with, and you level up each class as you play, but you can only have one class at a time, though you can choose which skills to use from each class. Also, there aren't nearly as many classes as there were jobs in FF5. I actually quit playing FF5 about half way through because I found the job system too overwhelming. It's an okay game - definitely worth the $10 I paid for it - but I was expecting something a bit more mature.

In the future - aside from Arkham Asylum - I have found a couple of Square-Enix games I plan to buy. I notice that FF13 is coming out on the 360, and I'll definitely want to play it when it does. Man, the FF games have come a long way since 7, which is the last one I actually played.

I also love that I can try out demos of many of the games before purchasing them. It gives me a good idea of whether I would like the game or not. Last night, I stayed up to nearly 5am playing demos of Brutal Legend (a nifty heavy metal themed beat-em-up that seems really popular right now) and a couple of Tomb Raider games. It's really nice to be able to check out a game first, so that you don't have to fork out dough for a sucky game you can't return. E.T. for the Atari, anyone?

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:54:27 GMT

Facebook, quit being butt!

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 05:06:37 GMT

My mom said she would like to get me a gaming console as an early Christmas present.

I haven't owned a gaming console since the Atari 2600. I've played NES, SNES, and Sega Genesis, and I've owned an original Game Boy (doesn't count as a console), plus I've played computer games. But as for owning a console, it's been almost a quarter of a century (yes, I'm old).

Anyway, on to bweesness. I'm trying to decide which console would be best for me.

I tend to like action, RPG, and First Person Shooter games, but I really like anything fun to play.
I'd like backwards compatibility, in case I find some older games on sale that I'd like to play.
Internet gameplay is non-essential. It'd be nice, but I'd rather not have to pay any subscription fees.
I'm probably not going to have a lot of money for games. So anyway I can get inexpensive but fun to play games would be great.

Anyway, after looking at the different consoles, I've made a few observations to help me narrow it down:

The PlayStation 3 has very limited backwards compatibility. I guess to free up resources, Sony opted not to make the newer consoles backwards compatible. Which is a shame, since some of the games I really would like to play - the Final Fantasy series comes to mind - are only available on older PS1 and PS2 consoles. This eliminates PS3's main selling point to me. Really, the only unique thing PS3 has to offer is BlueRay, and I really don't care about that.
The XBox 360 looks pretty solid. The only thing I don't like is that the online feature requires subscription. If I got an XBox, I'd probably opt not to do online gaming with it.
The Wii looks like it would be a lot of fun. It's backwards compatible with GameCube games and controllers, and would give me access to a good number of old school Mario, Zelda, and Metroid games. The only drawback is that the Wii doesn't have quite the power the other two consoles have.

Right now, I'm leaning heavily toward XBox, but if someone could give me some good reasons to go with a different console, I would definitely consider that instead.

So what do you guys think?

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:00:28 GMT

Finally! I managed to rig up my computer, TV, and a spare monitor in such a way that, if I need to go to the kitchen while a movie's playing, I can. It's kind of clunky, though: I can't do it on the fly. In order to play the movie on both screens, I have to set my video adapter to do it. That means I have to temporarily stop the video, make the adjustment, then continue. Also, I have to use an old stereo I never use anymore for the sound. Which is okay, as it sounds awesome that way. Also, since the old monitor's aspect ratio isn't the same (it's 1280x1024, whereas the TV is 1280x720), it distorts the picture really badly. But it works!l

The Two Shall Be One Flesh

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:58:08 GMT

Text: Genesis 2:18-25

Title: The Two Shall Be One Flesh

In the very beginning of time, the Lord created man and woman. The fact that the first man was alone is the only thing in the created order that God said was not good. So He took upon Himself to provide Adam a suitable mate. He then joined Man and Woman together as one flesh, husband and wife, thus gifting mankind with the institution of Marriage.

And the Man and the Woman were naked and not ashamed. In a world without sin, there is no need to hide, no guilt to be covered. What’s more, human sexuality, without the defilement of sin, was good and righteous.

But in the very next chapter, sin enters into the equation. And as with every other perfect gift that God has given to mankind, we have taken what He made to be pure and holy and have perverted it into all manner of abominations. Take for example, homosexuality: although our culture would declare that this is a “civil right”, it was never God’s intention that man be with another man, or woman to be with another woman. Romans 1:18ff makes it clear that homosexuality exists because man turned his back on God, and so God turned his back on man, thus giving him over to his lusts.

And what about polygamy? It is true that many of the biblical patriarchs – Abraham, Jacob, David – had multiple wives, but God never told them to. He never said that it was okay for them to have more than one wife. In fact, if you pay attention, in most of those cases, having multiple wives usually caused them a lot of trouble.

And adultery? Why is it that we human beings are not satisfied with the one spouse our Lord gives to us, so that we feel inclined to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere? But God’s commands are clear: men are not meant to have multiple women, and women are not meant to have multiple men.

And coupled with that, premarital sex. It has become so widely accepted these days, even expected, that even well-meaning but misinformed Christians see nothing wrong with it. Nevertheless, God’s Word is clear: if you do not bind yourself to someone else, you have no business becoming one flesh with them.

And then there’s the biggie: divorce. Jesus talks about it in our Gospel reading for today (Mark 10:3-16). Granted, sometimes relationships become so broken they cannot be healed. Nevertheless, far too often, divorce is upheld as an option when it never should be; it used to be a last resort, but these days, it’s often the first option. And according to Jesus’ own words, the only reason divorce exists at all is because we human beings are hard-headed, hard-hearted, selfish, foolish, and wicked.

And while we’re at it, let’s bring in lust. Jesus makes it clear in the Sermon on the Mount, if you even look at another person with lust in your heart, you have broken the Sixth Commandment.

So, as we can see, we human beings have made a complete mess of this good and gracious gift from our God. We have taken this sacred union between man and woman and have turned it into all manner of horrible abominations.

And how are we to restore it? Not through legislation. Don’t get me wrong, I support pro-marriage legislation. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about politics, it’s that as soon as the winds of public opinion change, so do the laws. And in the end, people are just going to do what they want to, regardless of what the law allows.

The only way marriage as God intended it can be restored is to somehow correct the fallen human nature. As St. Paul tells us in Ephesians:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her bythe washing of water with the word, sothat he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

It is through another marriage that our Lord restores to us the holiness of that first marriage. As a bridegroom leaving his chamber to seek his beloved bride, our Lord Jesus Christ left His heavenly throne to come seek us. As a man who gives up all of his riches and possessions to be with the woman he loves, so our Lord Jesus gave up everything in order that He might have us as His own. And as a husband sacrifices his own life to protect his wife from danger, so our Lord Jesus Christ has sacrificed Himself in order that He might save us.

And through the waters of Holy Baptism, He has washed us clean, so that He might present us to Himself holy and blameless, without spot or blemish. And through the Sacrament of Holy Communion, He continues to nourish us with His own flesh and blood, just as a husband provides nourishment for his family.

So when you find yourself distressed by the widespread immorality of the world in which we live, remember: you are Christ’s. When you find yourself tempted to lust or to immoral deeds, remember: you are Christ’s. When you find yourself oppressed by the guilt of past improprieties, remember: you are Christ’s. Do not let your old sinful self tear you asunder from Him. He left His heavenly chambers to seek you, the one He loves. He gave up everything so that you might be His own. He sacrificed His own life in order to save you. And in the waters of Baptism, He has washed you clean, spotless and blameless. He has joined you to Himself, and made you His very own.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:40:50 GMT

Top 10 Reasons Transformes 2: Revenge of the Fallen Sucked

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 17:36:45 GMT

Two years ago, when the Michael Bay Transformers movie came out, I wasn’t terribly excited about it. After all, it had been years since I had been into the Transformers cartoon show, and frankly, when they make live action versions of cartoons, they tend to suck really badly.

But I was pleasantly surprised by it. The plot was interesting – it held my attention – and the characters mostly likable. Sam’s interaction with his family could be annoying at times, but I always took that as up-playing the mundane world in which Sam lived to contrast it with the fantastic adventure he was about to embark upon.

All in all, Transformers was a good movie.

But Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen sucked.

This movie was terrible! In fact, it took the flaws of the first one and magnified them to the nth degree, and the result is this unwatchable piece of garbage!

By now, I think many of you have seen it. And if you haven’t, I would say, don’t bother. But if you haven’t and you don’t want it spoiled for you (as if this horrid piece of junk could actually be “spoiled”), don’t read any further.

Here is my Top 10 Reasons Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen sucks:

10. Optimus Prime died for your sins. This plot element has been done before in the Transformers franchise history. Remember the 1986 animated Transformers: The Movie? In fact, among Transformer fans, it is considered one of the most moving scenes of the series: Optimus Prime suffers fatal wounds while battling Megatron, and must pass the Matrix on to the next Autobot leader. Of course, we do have to ask the question: exactly how fatal can those wounds be, when later, Ultra Magnus is blasted to pieces and then conveniently reconstructed, as good as new? Prime doesn’t even have as much apparent damage. Did Megatron wound him in spirit? But later in the cartoon series, Optimus is brought back to save the Autobots and Decepticons both from a virus that infects all technological life forms. Death and Resurrection: ergo Optimus Prime died for your sins (and yes, I borrowed this from the Nostalgia Critic). Anyway, here it is again: Optimus Prime dies early in the movie in order to establish the plot: the heroes must find the Matrix in order to restore Prime so he can protect them from the Fallen, while the Decepticons must find the same Matrix to activate their sun-destroying Energon machine. So once again, Optimus Prime dies for your sins, and rises again from the dead. And get this: so does Sam Whitwicky. This probably isn’t surprising, since Prime and Sam do seem somewhat connected by destiny. Just as in the first movie Prime must make sacrifices, so Sam must make the same sacrifices to save his friends. So if Prime makes the ultimate sacrifice, Sam must also make the ultimate sacrifice. Also, I didn’t know that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit were robots. Go figure.

9. Horrible battle visuals. First of all, it seems that all the robots except maybe one or two look exactly alike; they’re all pretty much the same color scheme and very similar design. You can’t really tell who’s who in the battle scenes. And it doesn’t help that the camera work is so shaky. I’m sure that Bay was trying to simulate what it would be like for a human to observe such a battle, but rather than heightening the emotional impact, it just becomes annoying and confusing, and gets in the way of the storytelling. Seriously, if I can’t tell who’s fighting who, who’s being killed, and such, I find it very hard to care about what’s going on, even if the fate of my planet hangs in the balance. Bottom line: shoot your scenes in such a way that we the viewers can tell what’s happening; that way, we might actually feel the suspense that you’re trying to artificially create through bad camera work and editing.

8. Continuity much? In the first film, Megatron came to earth seeking the lost artifact, the All-Spark. But now, in the second movie, it turns out that the Transformers have been coming to earth for thousands of years, and have in fact built some sort of sun-destroying solar energy device within the Egyptian pyramids. Not only that, but do you expect me to believe that for thousands of years, there’s been a Decepticon ship on one of the moons of Saturn, inhabited by one of the most dangerous Decepticons of all times, and not once – NOT ONCE – did any of them ever attempt to retrieve the All-Spark? Well, except Megatron, and we know how that turned out. But don’t you think the Fallen would have at some point said, “I wonder what’s taking him so long?” “But he can’t go to earth until Prime is destroyed!” BULL! Prime wasn’t even on earth at the time, so that’s no excuse. Bottom line: with the two most powerful artifacts in Transformer history sitting on earth, there’s no reason why the Fallen didn’t make at least some effort to retrieve one of them himself.

7. Grampa Jetfire. Okay, even if I can buy into the idea that there have been Transformers hidden on earth for generations, why did they have to make Jetfire such an annoying personality? And why did he have to walk with a cane? He’s a freaking robot, for goodness sakes, and a transforming robot at that! He shouldn’t need a cane! And his stereotypical “Back in my day…” talk! Seriously, did you have to make him so ridiculous?

6. Dope-smoking Mom. Does Mr. Bay expect us to believe that parents are this stupid? Not only does the mom not know what pot is, but some idiot college student sold it to her? Come on! And let’s be honest: the parents weren’t silly and annoying enough already?

5. Hot female robot coed. First of all, while I do find the prospect of Sam having a secondary love interest who just happens to be a Decepticon spy rather intriguing, the execution of it was just terrible. Seriously, if a girl acted this way toward me, I would knock her over the head with a bat and have her locked up under the insane asylum. There’s sexy, and then there’s just plain creepy, and this girl was just way over the line into just plain terrifying. And that’s before we even knew she was a robot! Not only that, but let’s be real: do you expect me to believe that Decepticons can simulate human flesh now? And this is nothing but a blatant rip-off of the T-1000 from Terminator 2 anyway! The girl’s behavior is way over the top, and the technological aspect is just too unbelievable.

4. Humping dogs. Okay, so in the first movie, it’s established that the Whitwicky family have an annoying dog. So, to top that in the second, they now have two annoying dogs. And guess what: almost every time they’re shown together, they’re having gay sex. Why? Does this add to the movie’s charm or plot? No! Is it funny? Maybe if you have the mind of a 10-year-old, which Michael Bay apparently does! It’s crude, unnecessary, and just plain stupid. When I go to see a movie about giant robots, the last thing I want to see is gay dogs humping each other. If I wanted to watch dogs humping, I’d go hang out at a kennel.

3. The two racist robots. Why are these two guys in this movie? I don’t remember them from any of the earlier Transformer incarnations, so I can only assume that Michael Bay created them for the sole purpose of being a stupid racist. They’re definitely not funny at all; they’re just plain annoying. Here’s a hint, Mr. Bay: Racism Is NOT Inherently Funny! Now, don’t get me wrong. I can occasionally get a chuckle from racial humor if it’s done right, but these guys just grated on my nerves. I kept wishing a friendly Decepticon would come along and blast their illiterate chasses to pieces.

2. Giant Robot Testicles. First of all, I don’t remember any of the Constructicons actually having giant wrecking balls, so where the crap these “testicles” come from is beyond me. Frankly, it was just mere childishness on Bay’s part to even put those onto Devastator. Was it supposed to be funny? It might have been, if the scene wasn’t an all-out war over the impending destruction of earth. Seriously, this did nothing but detract from the actual story. It was crude, pointless, completely unnecessary, and entirely devoid of humor. The only thing that could possibly have made it worse is if someone shot him there, and he fell off the pyramid grabbing his crotch in extreme agony. Which, after seeing this, I kind of wish would happen to Michael Bay.

1. John Tuturro’s butt. Really, was that even necessary? Was this just an excuse to put Tuturro in yet another embarrassing and humiliating position, like in the first movie when Bumblebee peed on him? Well, thank you, Michael Bay, you’ve managed to outdo your own stupidity this time! You got John Tuturro to take his pants off and show off his ugly hairy butt to millions of people who didn’t give a care to see it. Yes, you made John Tuturro moon us. Now, can you please grow up and act like an adult when you make your movies?

So these are my Top 10 Reasons Why Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen sucked. Seriously, I went to the theater expecting to see a fun movie, and instead, I get this annoying piece of crap. In fact, I got the distinct impression that Bay was just trying to tick me off during the whole film, as if he were in the projector room, counting the $8 we had all just given him, saying, “Take that, you stupid movie-goers!”

I do not plan on buying it on DVD, and I won’t watch another sequel unless they get a new director, one that actually knows what he’s doing. It’s a shame, really. The first movie had its annoying parts too, but the compelling story more than made up for them. Here, it’s like the story itself was thrown to the four winds, so Bay could mix in more annoying. Well, Mr. Bay, I hope you enjoy the $8, because it’s the last $8 you’re going to get from me.

A Gentle Lamb Led to the Slaughter

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:42:49 GMT

Text: Jeremiah 11:18-20.

Title: A Gentle Lamb Led to the Slaughter.

The prophet Jeremiah lived during the time of the height of Israel’s apostasy. The people had turned their back on the true God – the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God who had freed them from slavery in Egypt and established a covenant relationship with them. Instead, the people bowed down before false gods and swore their allegiance to statues of stone.

Jeremiah is sorely grieved that he sees the people of God forsaking their Lord to follow false idols. He had been sent by the Lord to call these people to repentance, but he watched as time and time again the people rejected that Word. He suffered greatly, as the very people he had been sent to serve ridiculed him, mocked him, had him arrested and imprisoned, and conspired to have him killed.

The world in which we live is not much different that that of Jeremiah. Not much has changed in the 26 centuries since he lived. Quite frankly, I think many of us can identify with the prophet, as we look at the world in which we live. A world in which a mother can have her unborn baby executed for no other reason than that she does not want it, while politicians stand by and let her get away with it, claiming it is her civil right. Immorality of every sort – pornography, premarital sex, homosexuality – are not merely excused, but actually declared to be good and right by our sex-obsessed culture. What God calls immorality, they call freedom.

Now, I expect this kind of behavior from the world. But what happens when we see God’s Holy Christian Church rejecting God’s standards and embracing the world’s ways? You would think that the Church should be a haven of light and life in a sea of chaos and sin, but it seems this is not always the case.

And lest we become arrogant, let’s not forget that Scripture warns us time and again not to fall into the same trap. Those ancient people of Israel thought they were safe and secure, but look what happened to them: they turned their back on God, and in time, God turned His back on them. We need to be careful not to fall into the same trap. This is why we must cling all the more diligently to the Word of Christ: because the world is always going to be there tempting us with its idols, and we are not immune from that temptation.

Jeremiah certainly felt rejected and alone, detested and despised by the world to which he was sent. And so he stands with the Holy Christian Church on earth, for in every age, we Christians suffer when we stand firm in our faith. The world hates our God, and so it hates us, too.

But we are not alone. Jeremiah says, “I was led like a gentle lamb to the slaughter.” Although he wrote these words of his own anguish and grief, they are not his alone. For our God has indeed sent us a Lamb to take away our sins. A perfect Lamb, without blemish, who was sent to atone for our rejection of God’s Word, to reconcile to Himself us sinners who had defied Him and rebelled against Him.

Our Lord Jesus Christ was sent to those who rejected Him, His own people, and it grieved Him sorely that they did not receive Him. And yet, to them He came anyway, so that His life might be a ransom to cover the sins of the world.

So when you feel alone, when you feel despised and dejected, like a lamb being led to slaughter, remember, your Lord Jesus Christ was despised and dejected by our whole sinful race, and yet He went like a gentle Lamb to the cross to be slaughtered for you. You are not alone, for the Lamb of God has indeed taken away your sins.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:40:01 GMT

I recently got The Dark Knigghet in the mail. To me, this represents what a Batman movie should be like, or for that matter, any superhero movie.

Anyway, yesterday, I decided to have a Batman Film Festival. I started out with Batman Begins. In its own rights, a pretty good movie - I like how it reimagines Batman as a somewhat more realistic character as opposed to the campy versions done by Adam West, George Clooney, and Val Kilmer - I'd include Michael Keaton, but for his time, he was a step in the right direction. And no, I do not include the 1990's Animated Series Batman, since he seems to epitomize what a cartoon Batman should be.

Anyway, I followed up with The Dark Knight, and finished up with Mask of the Phantasm.

Although I love MotP, I ended up falling asleep during it. I had been watching it a lot recently anyway, since it is somewhat nostalgic for me. As an animated movie (which, unfortunately, typically translates into "made for kids"), this film rocked hard. It has above-par writing and production, and frankly was better than the vast majority of live-action Batman movies done in the 1990's, including Batman Returns and the Joel Schumacher films. But I was really tired, and I had already watched it a lot recently, so it quickly lost my attention. It's still a great movie, though.

I have to say, I'm glad that the Batman franchise has been restarted in theatres. After yesterday's Batman Film Festival, I've been thinking: what would make a good sequel to The Dark Knight? Who would make a good villain to bring into the series? Believe it or not, I kind of like the idea of The Penguin. Although something of a campy villain in the TV series and rather... weird... in the Burton movies, I think plot-wise he'd be a good choice. The end of TDK leaves Gotham with a power vacuum - the mob leaders are mostly either dead or powerles. What better than have a kingpin like the Penguin step in and take over? But not the campy 1960's version, or the weird mutant version from Burton's film, but a creative reimagining in the same fashion as The Joker from TDK.

Correction: I just did a search on IMDB, and it looks like the next Batman movie is going to feature The Riddler. It sort of makes sense, considering the direction the films seem to be taking us. Batman Begins takes a look at Batman's beginnings (what it says on the can), but introduces the psychological element into the battle of good and evil. Next, we have the Joker, who takes that psychological element to its extremes by presenting us with a truly terrifying villain. It almost makes sense that the next villain shouldn't be a mundane crime boss (which, apart from his bird motif, is pretty much what the Penguin is), but someone who continues in that vein of psychological evil. The Riddler makes a good fit, I think, for the next installment.

I'm interested to see how Batman's fugitive status plays out. Really, it's pretty much the only reason for Batman to even have a secret identity, considering that the one person he really wanted to protect is now dead (well, there's also Alfred and Lucius, but they know the risks, and are actively involved in helping Batman anyway). Of course, it won't be the first time we've seen Batman as a fugitive from the law: in MotP, he was blamed for the mob murders committed by the Phantasm, resulting in one of the most intense chase scenes I've seen in a superhero movie. But still, for him to actually accept the guilt of Twoface's crimes to protect Harvey Dent's reputation is pretty amazing - it means not only is he an outlaw, but he can do nothing to counteract that perception of him without risking the undoing much of his work. What a dilemma!

All I can say is, I certainly hope they don't do something stupid, like turning the project over to Joel Schumacher again.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:34:58 GMT

I got The Dark Knigghet in the mail today! This is a great movie! Only one complaint: Why did they turn Harvey Dent into Skeletor? Seriously, they could have just made his face really badly scarred, not showing bones and stuff! I keep wanting to go, "NOT SO FAST, HE-MAN!"

DVD Annoyances

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 20:25:26 GMT

So I get home from work or something, and I'm ready to relax. I pop a DVD into the box, and get ready for an hour or so of mindless entertainment. No hassles, no worries! Right? WRONG!! Why? BECAUSE DVD MANUFACTURERS ARE TOTAL JERKS, THAT'S WHY!

To start with, there's the STUPID MENUS! All I want to do is watch my movie or show, and I have to page through menu after menu just to get to the goods. WHY? Did some idiot at the company just say, “I know! Let’s make their viewing as annoying as possible! Instead of just letting them watch their show, let's have them navigate a bunch of menus first! Just to tick them off!"

A perfect example of this is the DVD set of Firefly. WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO PAGE THROUGH A SEPARATE MENU FOR EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?? WHOSE BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THAT? All I’m trying to do is watch the episodes! But when one episode finishes, I end up back at the EPISODE MENU, and then have to page back to the MAIN MENU, then to the NEXT EPISODE MENU, and THEN I finally get to play the show! What a PAIN in the POSTERIOR! Why can’t you just have a simple option on the main menu, “Play All”, and leave it at that? BUT NO! I have to page through all those stinking the menus! IT MAKES NO SENSE!! It just doesn’t get much more annoying than that!

Or does it?

Believe it or not, it does. Take every Disney DVD I’ve ever seen. Especially the Pixars. Not only do the DVD’s require you to use their menus, but get this: as soon as you put the DVD in the machine, it automatically jumps to the previews AND FORCES YOU TO WATCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN START! You don’t even have the option to exit out of the previews to get to the main menu. WHY? BECAUSE STINKING DISNEY IS SO COCKY, THEY EXPECT YOU TO BUY EVERY PRODUCT OUT THERE JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY SO!! And so, every time I put the DVD in so I can kick back and relax to watch Toy Story, I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH FIFTY TRILLION PREVIEWS FIRST!! And the funny part? MOST OF THEM ARE MOVIES I ALREADY OWN!! AND I’M NOT GOING TO BUY THEM AGAIN!! SO SHUT UP AND LET ME WATCH MY MOVIE ALREADY!!

I can understand forcing us to sit through the FBI “Don’t copy this or you’ll go to jail” warning, even though we already know that, and don’t need to be reminded every time we see a movie. But PREVIEWS?? I DON’T FREAKING CARE!! GO THE CRAP AWAY!!

So here’s my advice to all DVD manufacturers on the face of the planet: STOP MAKING YOUR DVD’S SO FREAKING ANNOYING!! Let me play the movie when I’m ready, let me skip menus and previews if I want (which I most definitely will), and give me the option to play all the episodes or chapters back-to-back if I want. That's all I ask.

This one goes out to all you Twilight fans.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:36:24 GMT

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:36:28 GMT

I am just hoping that, somewhere out there, there's a 13mm Jackal bullet with "Edward Cullen" written on it.

A Word to Sustain the Weary (the Triumph of the Suffering Servant).

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 15:38:37 GMT

Text: Isaiah 50:4-10

Title: A Word to Sustain the Weary (the Triumph of the Suffering Servant).

In this life, we are beset by enemies – enemies that try to snatch away from us the sustaining Word of Christ.

There is the world, our sin-driven society that hates the Word of the Lord because its light exposes their evil, and so they try to crush it, stamp it out of existence. And they despise us on account of that Word, and try to crush us as well. They hated our Lord Jesus Christ, and so they hate those of us who bear His Word of Life.

Then there is the devil and his demons of darkness, that crafty serpent who attempts to steal from us the Word of Life by his clever deceptions. We all are born into this world already under his dominion, enslaved to his will, and the Word has the power to set us free from his shackles of oppression.

And even when we are freed from the devil, we find ourselves facing an even more persistent foe: our own sinful selves. We find in ourselves all manner of evil thoughts, wicked words, and destructive deeds.

And the most destructive of all our enemies is death, that vicious predator that devours us all. Because of our sin, our bodies are mortal and break down. Every time we suffer from aching joints or a stomach virus, it is death reminding us that he is waiting to feast upon us. And often the most devastating wounds come when he strikes at those we love.

With these enemies seeking to destroy us – the wicked world in which we live, the devil and his deceits, our own sinful flesh, and that predator death – how are we to be victorious?

Thanks be to God, our Lord Jesus Christ has already defeated all these enemies. How? By allowing Himself to be humiliated and defeated by them all. He gave His back over to the Roman whips, and His face to those who beat Him and pulled His beard. He endured the mockery and spitting as He tread the long, weary road to the cross.

The world tortured Him and put Him to death on a cross. The devil and his minions mocked Him and ridiculed Him as He died. The guilt of our sins was heaped upon Him as He suffered the just penalty of our wrongdoing. And even death gloated over Him and swallowed Him up in the grave.

And yet He did not turn back, but set His face like flint to do His Father’s will. He fought that good fight, knowing full well what it was going to cost Him.

But the Father did not abandon Him to the grave, but has vindicated Him by raising Him from the dead, giving Him the name above every name. He who was humiliated and defeated rose again victorious over all our enemies: the world, the devil, sin, and death.

And now, His victory is our victory. In Him, our sins are forgiven, and we have the promise of everlasting life. The great Heavenly Warrior has conquered our foes, and He now gives us the spoils of His triumph.

We still walk in darkness in this life – the world still tries to silence us, the devil still tries to deceive us, our sinful flesh still leads us astray, and death still awaits us with its nasty, cruel, pointy teeth. But Christ has given us His Word to light our path and to strengthen us in our weakness.

Trust in this Word; hold fast to it, and to the Lord who has given it to you. You need not fear any foes; He who defeated all our enemies has granted you the spoils of His victory.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:18:20 GMT

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:8:10).

I’m always amazed when people say things like, “I don’t need to go to church; I can be a pretty good person without it.” There’s only one problem: church isn’t about being a good person; it’s about receiving forgiveness of sins in our Lord Jesus Christ.

I’m amazed at how many people who consider themselves Christians think this way, too: “I can worship God just as good at home as I can in church. I can be a Christians without organized religion.” Ah, but His Word even tells us, "Do not forsake the assembling of ourselves, as some are in the habit of doing, but encourage one another all the more as you see the day approaching" (Hebrews 10:25). How can you consider yourself a good Christian when you're essentially breaking the Third Commandment?

Jesus Christ instituted His Holy Christian Church on earth for your benefit, and He calls the Christian Church His Holy Bride. To despise Christ’s Church is to despise Christ Himself. He also gave us apostles, prophets, pastors, and teachers to give us His Word and administer His Sacraments to us. To think that you can receive forgiveness of sins apart from His these divinely instituted Means of Grace is to think that you can order a drink in a restaurant without the glass.

You see, doing good does not earn you favor with God. You already owe God good works, on account of the fact He created you. In fact, it is because you are not good enough – and never can be – that you stand in need of forgiveness. Just because you do something right does not obligate God to you – you already owe it to Him to do good – and the fact that you do not always do good when you ought to puts you in jeopardy of His judgment.

Do you think you’re a pretty good person because you’ve never committed rape or murder? Think again. If you’ve lusted after another human being, you are guilty of adultery. If you’ve ever despised someone, you are guilty of murder. If you’ve ever cheated on your taxes, or failed to return extra change at the grocery store, you are guilty of stealing.

Going to church isn’t about making you a good person: it’s about receiving forgiveness for your sins.

This is why God’s Word tells us, “For it is by grace you are saved.” What is grace? It is none other that the mercy our God has given us in our Lord Jesus Christ, through His innocent bitter suffering and death. “For God demonstrates His love in this: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” As I tell my catechism students, if we were to pull grace out of our pockets and put it on the table, it would look exactly like the broken, bleeding body of Jesus Christ.

And this grace is given to us through faith. What is faith, you might ask? It is nothing other than trusting the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ, in His promises of redemption.

And this is why we need the Holy Christian Church. It is in this place that the Word of the Lord is delivered to us, for the building up of our faith. It is in the gathering of His saints that He marks us as His through the waters of Holy Baptism. It is in His Church that He delivers to us the words of Absolution, which cleanse us from sin. It is in this institution that He feeds us His own Body and Blood for the nourishment of our souls.

So why do we go to church? To please God? No, although it does indeed please Him when His people come to receive His gifts of Word and Sacrament, just as it pleases my mother when I eat the food she fixes for me at home. No, we go to church to receive our Lord’s gifts of mercy and grace. We go to receive His cleansing and forgiving Word. We go to have our sins forgiven and to be built up in the most holy faith.

Streams in the Desert

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 02:39:58 GMT

“For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert; the burning sand shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water” (Isaiah 35:7).

Years ago, I remember watching this TV show on Discovery or National Geographic. It was about a desert, that harsh, burning environ, where hardly any life could survive. Nothing for miles but scorching sands and rocks, and nothing to shade you from the burning sun except the occasional cactus. But every now and then, a rainstorm would pour down on the land. And suddenly, this hellish place would begin to transform. As the water quenched the earth, plants would begin to grow and bloom, and flowers would blossom. And birds would land and fill the silent wasteland with their songs, and other animals would come forth to bask in the coolness and bounty of the new landscape. Where there was once nothing but emptiness and death, suddenly there was beauty and life.

So it is with Christ, who has poured out on us His mercy through Holy Baptism. Once there was nothing but the emptiness of the wasteland – a pointless life, with no hope – and the scorching heat of God’s wrath awaiting us. But this is what Holy Baptism does for us: where once there was emptiness, there is now new life. Where once there was a barren wasteland, there is now goodness and fruitfulness. Where once there was only the heat of God’s wrath on account of our sins, there is now the refreshing coolness of forgiveness granted to us in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:55:31 GMT

You know what's messed up? Wireless Keyboards and Mice!

First of all, most of them aren't. Even though the box says "Wireless", it's not. True, the mouse or the keyboard itself may not have any wires, BUT THAT BULKY PIECE OF JUNK THAT COMES WITH THEM DOES!! So guess what: if you're getting one of these to use with your laptop, FORGET IT! You'll still have a clunky chunk of inconvenience to plug in and get in your way! Might as well just get a corded mouse or keyboard and be done with it!

Second, THEY HAVE NO RANGE! Oh, the box may say you have a 6 foot range, BUT THAT'S A FREAKING LIE! You'll get two, maybe three at most, and that's it! AND YOU DARN WELL BETTER HAVE THE RECEIVER AT JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE, TOO! Because if you don't have it just perfect - if it tilts just half a degree off, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR SIGNAL!! WHAT THE CRAP GOOD IS THAT??

Now, I'm fortunate: I managed to find a good deal on a Bluetooth keyboard and mouse from Micro$oft. And it works pretty decent! It gives me a very good range (the box says 30 feet, but I've never needed it more than maybe 15 or so), and best of all, it has one of those tiny USB dongles, rather than a clunky junky corded receiver. WHY CAN'T ALL WIRELESS MICE AND KEYBOARDS HAVE THESE?? Makes perfect sense to me! BUT NO!! The manufacturers have to make their receivers as OBNOXIOUSLY IN THE WAY AS POSSIBLE!!

But even this keyboard and mouse combo - which I love, btw - is not without its flaws. For one thing, it doesn't have function keys: it has function touch-pads. Sounds cool? WELL IT ISN'T! Every time you accidentally get your fingers ANYWHERE NEAR THEM, they activate. Just think: You're working on a document, AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY CLOSE IT OUT BECAUSE YOUR PINKY BRUSHED AGAINST THE F11 KEY! Or you're playing a game, AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY SHOOT A SPELL AT THE WRONG TIME, Getting yourself in trouble, ALL BECAUSE YOUR THUMB ACCIDENTALLY BRUSHED AGAINST THE F6 KEY!!

Also, for convenience, this keyboard has a touchpad built into it! Think about that: if your mouse is charging, or you're working in a chair without a mousing surface, you can use the touchpad instead! Convenient? NO!! BECAUSE, instead of putting it by your thumb, where most laptops put them, THEY PUT IT AT THE TOP RIGHT CORNER!! And the buttons are in the top left!! WHO WANTS A TOUCHPAD THAT YOU HAVE TO STOP TYPING TO USE?? NOT ME!! WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST PUT THE TOUCHPAD AND BUTTONS BY MY THUMBS?? IT MAKES NO FREAKING SENSE!!

But back to those dongle things. It is true that there are computer mice that come with the tiny dongles instead of those clunky wired receivers. They're even specifically marketed as Notebook Mice. Sounds great, right? WRONG!! THOSE THINGS ARE SO FREAKING TINY, YOU HAVE TO BE PAPA SMURF TO FREAKING USE THEM!! Why would I want a mouse the size of my pinky finger? I FREAKING DON'T, THAT'S YOU'RE ANSWER!! Why do they make those things so tiny? I would think maybe because they assume, if you're using a lappy, you might at times have too small a mousing surface. But here's the problem with that answer: IF YOU HAVE ANY MOUSING SURFACE AT ALL, IT WILL BE BIG ENOUGH FOR A REGULAR MOUSE!!

My solution would be very simple, and I'm surprised no one has jumped on it yet: A WIRELESS TRACKBALL. Then you won't need a mousing surface at all: you could put it on the armrest of your chair, or even to the side of your lappy keyboard. BUT NO! THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY! I did some research a few years ago, and one company did make a wireless trackball, and guess what: IT USED A CLUNKY WIRED RECEIVER!! Chalk one more product up to the Land of Useless.

This all makes me wonder: do these product designers ever even use these pieces of junk they're trying to sell us? Or do they sell us the pieces of junk, hoping to make some quick cash off us, so they can turn right around and release slightly improved junk the following year, while they keep all the good stuff to themselves?

Here's what the computing world needs:

1. A wireless keyboard with a 30ft. range, a touchpad AT THE BOTTOM, BY THE USER'S THUMBS.

2. A wireless trackball with a multitude of function buttons AND A USB DONGLE INSTEAD OF A WIRED RECEIVER.

3. In fact, ALL WIRELESS DEVICES USING DONGLES INSTEAD OF WIRED RECEIVERS!

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:59:16 GMT

How about that! I did not know this, but the Mystery Men exist in the same universe as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and have actually teamed up with them on occasion in the comics. Makes sense, actually.

We goin' to Chick-Fil-AAA-aaa!

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:33:59 GMT

Actually, when I first saw this posted, I expected to be offended by it. But actually, it's hilarious!

There is some rough language in it, but not too bad.

And bear in mind, Joe doesn't actually comment about the reasons.

Keep watching after the end credits for a hilarious outtake.

All I have to say about this:

CHICK-FIL-A! CHICK-FIL-A! CHICK-FIL-A!

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:04:32 GMT

Here's an idea: instead of making a live-action Cowboy Bebop movie - starring Mr. Keanu "Oh, it's under So-Crates I know kung-fu" Reeves - why not actually spend the time and effort to make another animated movie, like Knocking On Heaven's Door? That movie rocked - it was everything the Bebop series was, only a bit more intense for the big screen.

I did notice something I never thought about before. The movie opens with a scene of Vincent (the movie's villain) playing a marble Solitaire game, with narration from Spike about how "He was always alone, with no one to share the game with." The movie closes with a scene of Spike lying on the couch, reciting that same monologue. Then it struck me: at the end, is he talking about Vincent, or is he talking about himself?

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 10:37:22 GMT

Keanu Reeves as Spike Spiegel?

Someone please tell me this is a joke!

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:57:54 GMT

Been a while since I updated this thing with my snake situation.

In case you didn't already know, I decided to keep a couple of them.

Look at that nice green color on this one. This is the same one I caught in my last snake entry.

Caught this guy on my way to church one Sunday morning. Just looked up, and caught a tiny glimpse of his head by the back fence. He almost got away, too! Here he is sitting on top of the THATCH ROOF COTTAGE!!

The greenish one is about 27 inches long - a medium sized snake of the ones I've seen. The red one is about 24 inches.

Looking out the window.

In the peasant land of Peasantry... Here's the enclosure. It's a cheap plastic tub from Wal-Mart (about 26 gallon, I think). The substrate is a clay-based kitty litter mixed with baked vegetation mulch (to dehydrate as well as kill organisms). The green things are bamboo tubes. One of my neighbors threw out some bamboo, and I snagged a piece. Wish I had snagged more. And of course, THATCH ROOF COTTAGES!

THATCH ROOF COTTAGE!! (Hope Trogdor doesn't burninate it). It's made from a cheap flower pot with a hole broken in it, wrapped with some coconut fiber from a plant hanger. I didn't plan for it; it just turned out looking like a thatch roof cottage.

All that time and effort I put into making those cottages, and where do they like to spend most of their time?

Gone Fishin'

Had to feed this one in a separate tub. I wasn't sure he had eaten, and one of my friends at the Thamnophis forum had suggested this method. It worked very well: he gulped down three good ones.

Why am I keeping them? I was hoping to use them for educational purposes. Maybe take them to school or something.

And just so you know, these guys are not tame. They are wild caught - right in my back yard. They do not like being handled, and are easily frightened. I'm hoping they'll get used to me soon.